This is my story. Whether or not it is taken to be true I shall leave up to you.
Last week I made the choice to open up to being vulnerable. I had one
response from the sum of all that read this blog. That one individual
commended me for be “me” and for being “brave”. So what is being
“brave”? For me it is no longer caring what anyone may or may not think.
What others think so I have been told by some is “none of my business”.
Yes that is true to a point. Secondly it is being absolutely transparent as
much as I am able and as much as I can understand how to do so. However
just suppose as I have been doing all I know to do “within my
means” to heal the pain that I have carried for years; and carried for far too
long. Pain that began as a result of what was inflicted upon me as a child. To
suppress and silence me from being who I truly Am and as a result have thus
forgotten because my mind feels it has to yet protect me from those
perpetrators that are no longer present in my life. Yet in my heart my
greatest wish is to heal. Yet the mind blocks me from staying in the heart.
So why as I supposedly did all the inner healing work I know to do and
supposedly released the incidents and their memories as they surfaced and
forgave and released that parent at whose hand the pain was administered,
does my outer life still remain unchanged? Someone that used to be in my
life often said to me when it was good to see him in my greeting, “it is
good to be seen”. For me right now that is likely one of the things my heart
wants to hear the most right now. For some one to declare “I see you”. I
write to attempt to express what I must in order to heal. It is my outlet. The
physical people in my life are limited to family members with whom I
currently reside and they do not truly understand me to be able to listen to
what must be expressed. Please read on and I will unfold the story. All the
truth and nothing but the truth. There is no more embargo going on in this
one’s heart and life. I wish the US government would take this stance.
Something I write much about .
I wish to dispel the misnomer that men are weak if they allow themselves to
be vulnerable. That has to be one of “the greatest’ bald faced lies and tales
ever to be told. I don’t even know how many men out there even take the
time to read what I write on this subject. None have responded yet anyway.
If you haven’t read my story of coming clean and transparent that I put here
on my blog last week then please go back and do so otherwise… what I am
attempting to express now here may not make much sense. There are some
that may think I am a nut case, crackpot, woo woo or “whatever” label they
may want to stamp me with because I don’t fit within their belief systems or
perimeters of thinking and you know what? I really don’t give a damn what
they may think of me. I do not judge them for what they believe or think.
They can be as they choose. I only wish to lay aside all of that mind clutter
and get down to where we can all converse and live from the heart. We all
have a need to express who we are, however we should never allow that to
separate us from our fellow human beings. That is sad. That is a travesty
and I sincerely wish to believe that it is coming to an end soon. All life is
sacred…period!
As an eight year old child I learned to “stuff” all my emotions that didn’t fit
the status quo. I was taught to be a good little “religious” boy. I had so much
“hogwash” crammed down into me into conformity that in my teens I said
“to hell with it all” and I walked away. As a eight year old boy I became a
loner…and discovered ways to be a rebel in ways I thought I could get
away with. I was teased and bullied and I refused to fight because I came
into this world very different. Peace constituted my sense of being and I was
forced by coercion to forget who I was but to that premise I tried to hang
onto. Yes I came into this world very different. I am not from here. I came
from a place; a much different world and I have been getting those
memories back over the last decade +. As I heal my childhood traumas I
remember what happened to me in those early years. I have been forced to
the…..
brink of “breakdown” into vulnerability because my heart has
literally born the brunt of the inner struggle and this equates to congestive
heart failure. I am only 58 and life as I knew it has been suddenly been
snatched from me. No longer to able to even get bicycle rides and walks in
without grave after effects that set me back for days. Effected in logical and
mobility senses; as there are still physical issues that go unaddressed. I am
apparantly a medical mystery case. To some degree anyhow. How quaint!
I no longer am able to support myself and thankfully I have
had some family members yet that cannot go on indefinitely. The social
services systems are there yet it and all government systems and structures
are failing because they no longer serve the perimeters of a new expanding
Consciousness. They are failing and broken and cannot be fixed. I paid into
them for many years as one of the working class and as an independent sole
proprietor in the business world for a decade. All in dis-ease are entitled for
some dignity and honor and needed assistance when they fall ill and
are incapacitated and can no longer sustain and support themselves.
As I indicated a new world is birthing yet for ones that are in similar or
worse states than mine…Some wonder “when” it will actually materialize. I
personally feel that due to cosmic cycles and those of the Earth that we as
Divine Humans must physically become an expression of something much
greater than we currently
are and there is a re-birth coming that the human mind cannot even begin to
conceive.
Meanwhile due to the way I lived for many years and my current state of
being I deal with “shame”. Shame for isolating and running from and
burying my hurt and pain for many many years. Shame for being told I am
a weirdo and don’t fit and aren’t living up to expectations. Social service
mental health treatments may have their place and for some are mere band
aids for what seems to ill the body. The mind will sometimes try anything
and play the game for a while. The mind can create realities inside of
realities. This outer world is not real anyway. It is nothing more than a
holographic projection created by the mind that convinces via the five
senses that it is real. I have used science to prove to myself that it is so.
Much of what I have ever been taught to believe is true about the supposed
outside world indeed is not. So release the mind. Get out of it and into the
Heart is the premise of many teachings these days. I have disengaged the
mind for brief periods to experience observing and being in the Eternal
Heart and have seen the reality that truly is my world. However once the
mind has had that experience it creates a block so that I cannot find my way
back there. So a new route must be created. Again and again. Only with
outside help of an awakened human with an illuminated heart have I found a
temporary oasis continue the healing. These have been rare, far apart. In this
world it takes $ to make any progress. So how does one find a means of
continuance in healing when they seem to need some outside nudges that
can stay the course until one the one healing is truly on the way to finishing
there own inner work? So getting back to the incapacitation; when the body
and in some ways the mind is hindered to the degree that mine is, due to the
shame and trauma and being financially incapacitated as a result does one
find the help to fully heal? Sometimes you need the gentle nudge of an
outside friend to get you restarted and continuing. Sometimes a professional
that can work within the values and perimeters of New consciousness. The
one needing to heal does not wish to be medicated or institutionalized. The
system of social service does not yet understand or embrace New
Consciousness of the one asking for assistance or their hands are tied by the
arm of control of the corporate structure. Suppose that since you seemingly
have nothing to offer in exchange due to the “shame” that you feel you
cannot
easily ask someone for assistance that practices professionally? Suppose in
the “shame” you have burned all of your bridges through misconceived
actions and detours and some of those that knew you may be on your social
media page wall yet where you have tried to reconnect or truly
connect…you have simply become just…a cyber contact who you
occasionally exchange a comment or two with. Suppose you have attempted
to heal past misunderstandings and misconceptions and that initiative has not
been truly received. Suppose you attempt to work beyond your “shame” and
make a new friend and yet your circumstances do not really allow for that
to be explored. In the physical that is…beyond cyberspace. The Heart may
be calling for some touch and face to face contact perhaps. Support you are
a very good and articulate writer and you attempt to express and write blogs
such as these and once in a while you receive a comment yet an engagement
of continued exchange of conversation does not seem to ensue. Why is
this? I will not conjecture as to why however I pose to you the question. I
have come to the place of absolutely embacing vulnerability. To be brutally
honest and transparent and make the declaration and choice that there shall
be no more secrets. How to you respond this? Can you respond? Are you
willing to consider engaging into conversation? Until a few years ago I
remember playing the role of counselor and being there under many
instances. It brought such a sense of fulfillment. I for many years have
carried inside me volumes of expression waiting for words or a canvas to
paint on. Just waiting for an outlet..some way…a means and now it feels
as the heart would explode for such and now everything comes to the
surface and the feelings…well many of them are simply raw. From the core
of my being I Am told to write…somebody out there will receive the
message…the call to accept and reciprocate. Somebody will get it…in the
core of their being. I have smashed and shattered the mirrors that were there
to reflect back. Now there is intense silence and yet in the void there is
purpose…yes…I AM that, I AM however I simply ask for a few…or many
mirrors if that is the case. Why? Because in the void the energy strands are
twisted and distorted at times. The images and pictures are beyond the
mind’s comprehension. The heart fully understands these and if…I could
but stay in there long enough…the secret space of the illuminated Heart, I
could heal the mind and it would be able to began to serve the Heart.
I am not alone….this I \know…I am not alone in this situation. There are
many in similar situations and the Heart knows this. Why? Because we are
all One Heart. I came to serve this expression of Consciousness on Mother
Earth. I do not wish for this body to drop and fall away. Re-membering who
one truly is…is the answer…however when? When will the pieces come together?
How can there be prison bars inside of a cuccoon?
I am not my body, I am not my mind. I Am a Divine/Human that came into
this world in absolute purity and so are you. You may not necessarily
believe or accept that entirely or in part however it doesn’t change the truth
of what matters All that Is. We each are entitled to our perceptions.
So who is out there? Who is listening? Who will respond? God once asked
similar questions. HE/She wanted to experience him/her self and fully so. I
do remember my beginning, my entry from a non-matter universe in to this
one of matter.
They say…the voice of Source…build it and they will come…write it and
fully express it and the other mirrors will begin to reflect me back to me and
I can find my way home. It is so close…and yet seems so very far when
new sight cannot stay engaged. It is said we all have a twin flame or
reflection; that there was a split when we came into this world. I briefly had
a mirror reflection of that for just under two years. I was blessed with such a
mirror then suddenly in 2008 she left the physical. I wish I could say I truly
can hear or see through the veil… the beauty that once connected with my
five senses. Perhaps there have been brief occasions of such. In the inner
vision of the Heart All things are possible. Yet perhaps here is something
that I must fully Heal…yet.
I am told that all it takes is one, two, three or however many…that will
connect with this message from my heart to yours and the change the Heart
seeks will be complete…the transmission will be answered and the open
loop will be closed and life shall flow. Consider for a moment the Heart
putting out a call and that call resounds through the universe…which is
within and there is this sound….this tone emanating from the space of the
Heart. Awaiting the answer. A call and response is essential and the mind
knows not what this is. It does not recognize in most cases. Only the
illuminated Heart picks up…and responds…because it knows
and re-cognizes…and takes a leap in Joy that is Infinite!
Is there a response? Thank for listening…Blessed Be…and Namaste!
~Brian~
